Two nights ago, on an Oregon beach, a friend of mine collapsed into the sand with pale face and unsteady pulse. I stood on the road to wait for an ambulance and cried and imagined the waves rushing up to catch all of us and drown us and break us into little dull bits of bone.
Another time, only a few weeks earlier, I was in a completely different place with different people and as we drove along a twisting, treacherous ledge, I thought to myself, if we drive off the ledge and all die here, I'll still be happy. I'll be happy as we go down. I'll be happy that I'm with these people and that I won't have to die alone.