Tomorrow I'm leaving New York and I'm returning to the desert, but I'm doing so without a home there or any sort of clear plan of what I'm doing and I'm sick and sad and scared and I'm scrambling to get my affairs in order here and it's all so frustrating and terrifying that I feel as though I'm sleepwalking, because surely things haven't really become this way- how could they have- this is never where I pictured myself and this is never who I pictured myself to be and what am I doing oh what what what. As my grandpa says, though, when you're young you can somehow do whatever you want and money will never quite run out and you'll never quite lose hope and there will always be a lifeline, a new plan, a new place to go. I hope so much he's right because at present I have only 40$ to my name and a plane ticket to Phoenix.